Cold
by souvenirs
Summary: You feel sick to your stomach as you watch her walk down the isle. You feel sicker at the reception with the ridiculous toasts about how perfect they are for each other and how much their love inspires everyone. You wanna scream she lied, but you don't.


**one day i will stop writing camp rock fanfictions that are crap. one day, but until that day you will suffer my vague and non-sensical ramblings. so another tess fic. there's snippets of tess/shane and shane/mitchie and at the end, you can pick whoever you want it to be. although i had nate in mind. enjoy, review, fave, read, whatever.**

**--D O R A**

**i.**

you're five and it's cold and your mother left you to take an important phone call. you're playing in the snow and laughing and giggling. you're wearing your favourite mittens, they look like tigers and they make you feel special because no other girl has them. you look back at the house and see your mother is gone. you run to the door and pull at it, it's locked and she's no where in sight. where is she? you scream and you cry and you can't find her. in your five year old mind she is gone. forever. you take off your mittens and plop yourself on the ground. the cold snow surrounds and you stick her hands in it. you stop crying, screaming, _feeling_. the cold numbs it all.

**ii.**

you're thirteen and your mother is on tour. you watch her from backstage. she rushes off stage for a quick wardrobe change and you mange to yell a 'great job mom' before she disappears into her dressing room. she ignores you as she rushes back on stage. you're used to it, story of your life caitlyn would say. but not tonight. not your birthday, not the day you told caitlyn to fuck off, not the day when your father decided to marry his trophy wife, no not today. so you walk into her dressing room and find the ice bucket she always has, because she will not drink room temperature. you stick your hands in the bucket and it numbs you. all you can focus on is the cold and how it makes you feel nothing.

**iii.**

you're sixteen and you feel the absolute agony as you watch they sing together. you loved him first, you loved him better. he told you how great you were. because you were, you fucking are. so you fake an apology because faking is what you do best. you smile and grin and clap and laugh. then after everyone gets their happy ending, you go out to the lake. it's dark out and the water is going to be cold, just the way you like it. you strip down to your underwear and bra and jump in. the effect you were looking for works almost instantly. and when you get out of the water not because you're afraid someone will look for you, it's because you know you can't be numb forever

**iv.**

you're twenty two when you finally get what you wanted. almost. he won't leave her because she's so fucking perfect and they're in love and all that other bull shit you know will fade. but you make him feel alive, you've given on pretending and you yell and scream and throw hissy fits because it's what everyone wants you to do. but he won't leave her because he _loves_ her and he _hates_ you. but hate is a strong emotion and you don't care as long as he'll keep coming back. and when he doesn't, you find yourself with a cold blade in your hand. you press it to your skin and it feels so good, and when it cuts across your white skin it numbs you. just as you hoped.

**v.**

you're twenty five and you feel sick to your stomach as you watch her walk down the isle. you feel sicker at the reception with the ridiculous toasts about how perfect they are for each other and how much their love inspires everyone. vomit vomit vomit. you wanna scream _she lied to you_ but you don't. so you just let the cool liquid slide down your throat. at first, the effect is dull. but later it's ice cold and it numbs your throat, and soon enough you.

**vi.**

you're twenty seven and you're still bitter and angry. you wanted your happy ending. but instead you just keep getting screwed over. it makes you sick. your life is an after-school special. be nice and the world will return the favour. but soon you find that you make not get a happy ending but a twisted ending. you feel his cold skin against yours, and it's nothing like _his_ hot skin. _he_ burned you. he cools you. you feel his cold breath on your skin and god you waited so long for this. it's much better than the snow, the ice, the water, the blade, and the alcohol. because you finally feel something.


End file.
